i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
