if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
