Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
