i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
