My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
