The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
