Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
