She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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