i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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