he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
