Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
