I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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