Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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