Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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