he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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