You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
