He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
