i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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