Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
A bitchslap is in order.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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