I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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