remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
