Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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