i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
