fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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