I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
