one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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