Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
