I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
