my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
