I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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