Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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