dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
