i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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