I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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