Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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