I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
