we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
