im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
