He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize