Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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