I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
