I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
