woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
