I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
