apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
