I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
