I wish my penis had an off switch
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
