I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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