Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
