Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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