One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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