are you still at the devil's house?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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