Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
